Assuming best intentions

As a way to dial down tense situations

I was pleased with how Ken and I decided to divide and conquer that Sunday night. We’d been at a weekend reunion of my family in Dallas and had an evening flight home. He returned our rental car while I took Joshua (4) and Roma (8) through security and to the gate. Now that the pandemic has eased (somewhat), we are able to travel more often as a family, and Ken and I have developed strategies to make travel easier.

One such strategy is to help reduce our children’s discomfort with the peculiarities and inconveniences of travel. One fear is that of needing to answer questions from an authority figure the child has never before encountered. Our own godson nearly caused the family to miss a flight when he kept answering “My name is Frankfurter” when the passport authority inquired about his name and with whom he was traveling. (No, his name is not even anything close to Frankfurter.) 

To reduce the likelihood of this happening to us, I usually drill with the kids, “How do you answer if they ask your name?” or “Who am I and where were we visiting?” I merely want them to not freeze up should a TSA agent or airline employee verify that their identity matches their boarding passes. Since Ken had taken the rental car, I did this with the kids while we maneuvered our family luggage from the curb, to the bag check, and then on to the TSA pre-check (gratefully) entrance. We sailed through easily and on to wait for our flight at gate E-7.

Within minutes, we had camped out across four or five seats, huddled around the all-important charging plugs for our kids’ (and their dads’) electronic devices. After getting both of their iPads charging and onto WiFi, I settled into my own work: solving Wordle for the day. In a few minutes, a DFW police officer interrupted me and asked if we could chat, separate from the kids for a minute.

I complied, a bit confused and wary of what might be happening, as we moved several yards away. I could see another officer step in to watch and chat with the kids, so I felt they were safe. The officer with me wanted to know the basics, who I was, where I was headed, who the kids were to me, etc. I answered his questions fearlessly, even adding that my husband was on his way from the car rental office. We long ago chose not to use hyphenated names, deciding instead to give my surname to our daughter and his to our son.

Then the officer explained why he was asking. Another passenger had overheard my “pop quiz” as we approached the TSA checkpoint and was concerned I might be coaching these children to provide answers that might not be true. In essence, there was a question about my intentions and my integrity. 

I was floored.

While I was annoyed that somebody would think I might have nefarious roots in my actions, that was quickly replaced by gratitude that a stranger would care enough to say something. What if I was up to no good? Would I do the same if I saw an interaction like this that gave me pause? In an instant, I chose to assume best intentions, not resist the officer’s questions, and fully give myself over to the process.

In the end, the officer believed me, and his partner had bonded with my kids, giving them stickers for their iPads emblazoned with the DFW Police badge. I had assumed best intentions on their part and on that of the good samaritan who reported me. They both were operating in good faith.

My choice deescalated the situation and let it come to an end with both speed and ease.

My ask of you this week is to look at where your own assumptions may escalate or deescalate a situation. Where can you assume the best and bring about a resolution that serves everybody?

JD’s Recommendations: what I’m reading, hearing, and seeing:

• Reading: Nick DeWilde vividly narrates his choice to “Hang up the jetpack and plant a flag” in his always inspiring newsletter, The Jungle Gym.

• Hearing: fairy tales are not just for kids, so check out Fun Fables’ delightful reinterpretation of “The Ugly Duckling” and all their other hilarious tales.

• Seeing: inspiring stories of African & South Asian female entrepreneurs in "She Means Business,” with commentary from three of my exceptional colleagues.

As always, jds

PS: This event was the last Sunday in July: I had fifteen minutes of increasing panic when I could not find Joshua as he hid in a wardrobe at The Container Store. (He explained, “I was just playing hide and seek by myself.”) I was helped by countless good samaritans, store employees, mall security, and even local police. Keeping our kids safe is clearly a team sport.