Finding your communication sweet spot

Finding the balance between over and under.

I love the story of Goldilocks and the three bears. She was, without question, the worst Airbnb guest ever. She broke the furniture, ate food that belonged to the owners, and was still there when they returned. But the part of the story I love the most is her ability to navigate and find that sweet spot between two extremes.

Artwork “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” sourced from Kerry Darlington

Whether it was the heat of the porridge, the size of the chair, or the softness of the bed, she always knew that something was too much or too little. And she loved to find that which was “just right.” Others, like John Cousins the founder of MBA A$AP and Donn Durante of Lucid State Design, have written extensively about the Goldilocks Principle and the need for balance. Today I want to apply the concept of finding that sweet spot when delivering presentations.

When I work with presenters in a vast variety of different fields and topics, I urge them to find that sweet spot when they speak. I urge you to do so, too. I can’t tell you precisely where that sweet spot exists, but I can tell you three qualities you want to avoid being under, and three other aspects you want to avoid being over.

Let’s begin with what to avoid:

Underprepared. In my view, there are few—very few—legitimate excuses for not preparing a talk or presentation. If you want to reduce your anxiety and increase your confidence, you need to be prepared. Full stop. It’s acceptable to “right size” your prep, but not to skip it entirely and trust that “winging it” will be fine.

Underslept. My colleague Burt Alper often tells his students and clients that they are better off with one more hour of sleep rather than an extra hour of preparation the night before their key presentation or pitch.

Underpromising. When we insert qualifying language into our conversations, we may feel that it enables us to be softer or more accessible. Words like “usually,” “sometimes,” “maybe,” or “partially” are qualifiers that actually weaken the strength of our message and diminish our point. To instill confidence in the minds of your audience, seek to be declarative in your language.

I urge you to search out your sweet spot to avoid underpreparing, undersleeping or underpromising. On the other end of the spectrum, you will find three aspects you want to avoid too much of:

Overconfidence. This can often come across as arrogance or cockiness in a presentation. It can destroy rapport with the audience if your brashness indicates an unfounded arrogance about your topic, business or service. It’s key to balance this advice with what I said above about qualifying language.

Overengineering. While it’s important to be memorable, I have seen some leaders work too hard to develop a cute acronym, or to build too many pneumonic devices into a talk. I can’t offer a silver bullet answer on how much is too much. My best advice is to have a critical friend who will give you candid feedback if it looks like you are trying too hard to engineer a memorable presentation. Back it off a little bit and just have a conversation with the audience.

Over your time limit. No one complains of a class or meeting that ran too short. Those speakers who feel that they can steal just a few more minutes of the audience’s time make a gamble that might not pay off. As a speaker, it is far better to skip a few slides and get your finish right before your time is up. Keeping your audience overtime leaves your audience feeling disrespected.

As you work for that sweet spot of communication, steer clear of being overconfident, overengineered, or overtime. Between these two extremes is a very wide space for a presentation that lands in that sweet spot, and is “just right.”

I invite you to spend next week as you hear others speak or prepare your own talks to observe what progress you can make by avoiding the extremes and staying in the middle. That’s where you have impact with an audience but are also authentic, respectful and engaging. Let me know how it goes. I would love to hear from you in the comments below, or by dropping me an email.

Since my last issue of Comm Matters I got a great note from Supercommunicators author Charles Duhigg who shared: “Thanks so much for writing about Supercommunicators in your newsletter. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it - and it’s even better to be written about so gracefully.” I also heard from my successor, Travis Grizzell, who coaches debate and forensics at Thomas More Prep - Marian High School in Hays, Kansas, my very first job out of college several decades ago. He loved the Josh Gad video and shared it with his own students to spark discussion and learn from his example.

As you’re familiar by now, let me share what’s lighting me up and inspiring me with what I’m reading, viewing, and hearing.

READING: This short piece by Alice LaPlante amplifies the power of Storytelling in Business: The Devil Is In the Details. Alice is both an award-winning novelist, textbook author, and amazing writing coach and teacher.

VIEWING: YouTube knows me pretty well (Okay, too well.) and suggested I’d like this a capella arrangement of Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You by Oxford’s Out of the Blue. So I’m passing along the recommendation to all of you. Enjoy.

HEARING: I struggle to embrace AI, but know I must. On a recent United flight I heard this conversation on “How to Chat with Bots”between Jeremy Utley and Matt Abrahams. It reinforces that AI success is built with strong conversations.

Our Talk of the Week features Sarah Shourd who helped launch the Rugged Elegance Presents…Discovery series. Her riveting talk about her journey to, and through, solitary confinement, gives me chills each time I hear it. She reminds all of us to live a full and satisfying life, regardless of the trauma that we may have experienced.

Finally, let me repeat my invitation to join me on Sunday afternoon, March 16. Whether you join us online or in person, I hope you will attend this inspiring event that has continued to evolve since Sarah’s talk in June 2024.

Over the next month, I will share more with you about the remarkable women who are coming together for this event, the third such collaboration I’ve been honored to co-produce. I’m just beginning my coaching work with these speakers over the next six weeks. While attending is free, registration is necessary to hold your spot.