Being Present Over Perfect

A continual journey worth taking

While preparing today’s newsletter, a car ad from Chevy came into my Facebook feed that beautifully captured the concept of being present to others, even when they can’t be present to us. Rather than dropping it in my list at the bottom, I’m going to lead with it and urge you to take five minutes to watch this commercial, then return to read the rest of my post.

The concept of presence in leadership communication is a bit of an enigma. Some say, “I can’t put my finger on it, but I know it when I see it.” It was the subject of Amy Cuddy’s 2012 TED talk, which boasts nearly 70 million views, and her later book, Presence. (See also the subsequent academic debate about her research and approach that inspired TED to change her talk title from “Your Body Language Will Shape” to “May Shape Who You Are.”)

Being present to your audience when communicating may be the single most important lever to illustrate our commitment to others. Yet, for many, it feels elusive, particularly when the audience, like the grandmother in the commercial, does not appear receptive to our communication.

Last month, I was invited to speak at a church near my home, Unity in Marin, and brainstormed with the senior minister there about what topic from my repertoire might best fit her community. We settled on “Present over Perfect,” based on a book by that name written by Shauna Niequist. At the suggestion of my sister Kathy, I read this in 2016, shortly after it was published and have read and reread it numerous times since. It’s a treasure of succinct chapters with simple, compelling life lessons. Each can be read in just a few minutes but will stick with you for years as you attempt to incorporate Niequist’s wisdom into your own life.

For my talk at Unity in Marin, I cherrypicked seven of those lessons, which I’ll share with you now.

The seven tips above appear to be pretty self-explanatory, so I don’t know that I need to add much to them. In a business setting “put down the phone” and “establish eye contact” are likely the two behaviors that will increase your peers’ experience of you being present. Research published by the University of Chicago has clearly shown that not just putting down the phone, but putting it completely away, increases our capacity to be focused and present. And I trust we all know the power of somebody looking directly at us, being truly seen, is a gift that reduces the divide between us and the other person.

You will quickly note the other five strategies are really focused on the speaker, not the audience. I believe we do our best communicating when we have taken care of ourselves the best. It’s an “inside job” to be able to reach out to others.

Now, let’s turn to “over perfect,” the second half of today’s title. Anybody who has heard me talk about the skill of communicating with mastery has heard me say: there’s no such thing as the perfect call, pitch, meeting, email, or talk. Everything we communicate can always be “a little bit better.” The major lesson I drew from her book is that it’s okay to let go of trying to be perfect, in fact it’s desired. For once we can acknowledge we’re not perfect, we don’t have all the answers, there’s room to improve…we can then be even more present, and more accessible, to those we address, lead, or teach. That vulnerability becomes the platform on which genuine presence and authentic connection can be forged.

Vulnerability becomes the platform on which genuine presence and authentic connection can be forged. jds

So, then my challenge for you this week is to see where you can increase your presence with those with whom you speak. Find ways to let go of perfect and choose, instead, to be present. Let me know the impact this approach brings to you. 

JD’s Recommendations: What I’m reading, hearing, and seeing:

• Reading: Since I raved about her first book, I want to also nod to Shauna Niequist’s latest book, I Guess I Haven’t Learned That Yet, a poignant and vulnerable extension of the first.

• Hearing: I’m completely taken by Rob Reiner and Soledad O’Brien’s series: Who Killed JFK? Six episodes remain, and I’m hooked on their mix of compelling storytelling and solid reporting.

• ·Seeing: I took my kids on opening day to see the new Disney film, Wish, and then back again before the week was over. The press has not been kind to this film, but for me and my family…it was great.

Thanks for enjoying my newsletter, if you have suggestions for items I should read, hear, or see and then endorse drop me an email.

As always, jds

PS: Please pardon me for providing only one newsletter in November, I say “occasional” for a reason but strive to share a new edition every week or two. I will take up my game in December.