Learning to Listen

by adapting to the needs of others

I’ve often said of my youngest son, “Joshua can hear just fine, I only wish he could listen!” Parents reading this know well the distinction between just hearing and actually listening. In my communication teaching and learning, I’ve not specialized in this aspect of communication, how we listen. Until now.

This week I took an online seminar that forever changed how I will look at this crucial skill for those who lead and those who follow. (Yeah, that’s all of us!)

Before I provide more on the workshop, let me share two stories illustrating the need for us to look at listening differently. It had been a rough week for me, I was on my fourth business trip in five weeks, away from my family yet again. Further, my youngest (the one from the first sentence) had started kindergarten and it wasn’t going well at all. Finally, while I enjoy the freedom of being a freelance speaker, consultant, and trainer, the demands of cash flow, marketing, and correspondence were weighing heavily on me. From my hotel room in Annapolis, I shared all this with a dear friend. It felt great for me to unload to Barbara, who quickly jumped into problem-solving mode. I stopped her and said, “You know what I really need right now is for you just to listen, not solve.” She quickly adjusted and said, “Absolutely, tell me more.”

A dear friend captured my essence in this Christmas gift which I’ve paraphrased.

Conversely, my husband has had a bumpy start to the year. Ken lost his mom in late December and has been working with his siblings to plan her memorial. He sits on a national board for his church and has been navigating some pretty challenging issues. And, he still has his own church to lead, as they wrap up one year and launch the next. As we drove to the city one rainy morning, he shared some of these challenges with me. Before I spoke, ready to dispense my wisdom into his situation, I paused and asked, “How do you need me to support you right now?" I’d like to think it’s a question I would have asked anyway, but the fact that it happened the day after this seminar suggests otherwise. In just one short hour I learned (or was reminded) that how I listen is dependent on who I’m with and what they need.

Nicole Lowenbraun and Maegan Stephans have changed the way I think about listening. In their workshop, they detailed their new research and unveiled their Adaptive Listening model. Arguing that active listening may work in some situations but not all, the duo presented that the most successful communicators can adapt their listening style based on the person with whom they are communicating and the needs of that moment.

Just as Barbara did for me and I tried to do for Ken, consider what the person across from you needs and strive to listen from that perspective. If you don’t know, then ask.

The Adaptive Listening ^TM Model

Nichole and Maegan tell me that they intentionally chose to call these the S.A.I.D. Listening Styles because 1) it’s easier for people to remember in the midst of their hectic workday and dynamic conversations, and 2) because people are always listening to what’s said (and even what’s not said).

Their research defines four distinct styles of listening:

• Support – prioritizing the others’ emotions by providing space for them.

• Advance –prioritizing forward motion by considering next steps or solutions.

• Immerse –prioritizing content as they crave more information from the other.

• Discern – prioritizing evaluation as they create a pro/con list of the idea.

I learned that while each of us has a preferred style, we should all learn to adapt and use each of the four styles based on the other person’s needs. And they reiterate often that there are no right or wrong styles, different situations require different types of listening.

Nichole and Maegan have a book coming out at the end of this month, but you don’t have to wait to learn more. They provide a simple free assessment to determine your primary style of listening. (For ten bucks, you can get a full report showing you your secondary style, which is so worth the tiny investment.) Duarte is offering a wide range of in-person and online training to accompany the book launch if what I’ve shared here has helped you realize this is a skill you could use. I get no compensation for this endorsement; I just could not wait for the book to arrive to share what I learned with all of you.

My invitation for you this week is to pay attention to how you wish others were listening to you, and then look at how you are listening to others. That simple thought experiment may bring new realizations for you, as it has for me, to help you be a better communicator on both sides of the conversation.

JD’s Recommendations: what I’m reading, hearing, and seeing:

• Reading:  Rex Woodbury has, yet again, cut through the noise to provide rich insights into the 3 C’s: Creativity, Collaboration, and Communication and how tech can accellerate your impact. His opening stories of missed predictions rock!

• Hearing:  I’ve recently become enamored with the Inclusion Meeting Cards and the Meetings Done Right podcast. Great way to improve meetings.

• Seeing: I could almost use any of his Sunday talks, but last week my husband Ken Daigle’s talk: Commitment as Catalyst powerfully captured the challenge of living life for a greater purpose greater than ourselves. Amazing.

As always, jds

PS: I’m working diligently on my goals for 2024, one of which is attaining a board seat. If you know an established firm or start-up venture who’d benefit from my partcipation as an independent director, (see photo above about dispensing wisdom…) please put me in touch.